it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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