Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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