Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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