If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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