It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
