Dual....:-)
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
