This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
