I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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