So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
