I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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