the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
