Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
