I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
