my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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