what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
