Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
