I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
