In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
