I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
