I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
