New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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