so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
