The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
