hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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