Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
