im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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