It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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