That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
