I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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