I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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