There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
