My liver just broke up with me...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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