Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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