Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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