It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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