You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
