grandma shit on top of the toilet
our cab driver is having phone sex.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
