1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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