He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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