wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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