drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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