im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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