I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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