i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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