i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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