I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
