I think my vagina is haunted
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
