I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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