meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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