This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
