I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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